DISCLAIMER: Newly pregnant mommies might not want to read this mess as there is a chance it could bring on all manner of anxiety in your crazy emotional/hormonal world. I warn you because I love you. For everyone else…
There has been a running theme in recent posts and conversations that managed to bring up old emotions in my world. Feelings that ate at my soul for a long time, but I’ve somehow managed to continue living each day without drowning in them. So let’s stick them all back out into the interwebs for the whole world, right?? Right.
Miscarriage. What an ugly, awful, horribly misunderstood word. It just makes my heart hurt looking at it. So many women deal with this unbearable grief at some point in their life, but it isn’t one of those things that is discussed openly or often. WHY?? I mean, it hurts, y’all. SO. BAD. Physically, your body is screaming at you because it was working hard to grow a new person one minute, and then suddenly it’s violently rejecting that same little person because he/she is no longer alive. And there’s nothing you can do but go through the process. And all of this only exacerbates the emotions of it all. No single person should ever have to endure the number and intense level of emotions that accompany losing a baby. It’s just not right. It’s not enough that there is now a physical hole in your womb – the hole that is left in your heart aches as if your chest is going to explode. Maybe it’s just because I’m a hot mess, but there was so much anger and sadness and confusion and doubt and guilt and for the love can somebody just make it stop?!?! I’ve done this insanity twice now, and both times were equally unbearable.
Men, we love you. Please hear this with all the love and grace I can offer: There is no way on God’s green earth you can feel all the feels that a woman has when she loses a baby. You can try, and we love you for that. You can be sad and disappointed – and that’s so helpful. We need that from you. Sit there and let your shirt get soaking wet as she sobs and snots on you for the umpteenth time. But please, pretty please, understand that your body is not losing part of itself when this tragedy occurs. Do not expect the grieving mommy to get over it within a certain period of time, and try to be ever-so-patient when she breaks down sobbing for what appears to be no good reason at all. She will. And it’s ok.
Do we shy away from talking with each other about this because it’s hard? Is it just one of those, “I don’t know what to say to a grieving person” things? Because I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be one of those, “Rally the troops and rain down the LOVE, people!!” things. We don’t have to fix each other. Do NOT try to fix this for someone. You can’t. We do, however, have to be there for each other. People need to know that they do not have to sit in a hole by themselves and cry in the dark because it might make others uncomfortable. You need to ugly cry, honey? Bring that mess right on over here. I might just join you, if that’s ok. Jesus Christ saw his friends grieving over their lost brother, and HE WEPT (John 11). They opened up their grieving hearts to Him, His heart hurt for them, and He cried right along with them. Who are we to be more stoic than the Son of God??
Open your arms, open your hearts, and grab the tissues. We cannot fix everything for everyone, but God can heal ALL things in time. Be willing to be His instrument of peace. The holes don’t disappear, but the pain of the wounds can be eased over time. There are hurting hearts that need soothed, and it’s your turn to step up to the plate.