Merciful Mornings
November 9, 2015

Breathe

I’ve been squirreled away from the world for long enough, I guess. I’m tired, I miss everyone, and I could use a few prayers. So here’s the deal…

I can’t breathe, y’all.

Not in a “take my breath away” or “stressed to the max” kind of way, but in the very literal “my lungs and chest hurt” kind of way. I’ve pretty much been hiding from the world, keeping my crazy health mess to myself and a few close friends and family members. Constantly trying to explain why I sound like a chain smoker is exhausting (and takes a lot of air!), so I’ve just been going about my daily life, seeing doctors, getting tests, and waiting for it to all go away… only it’s not going away. It’s been going on since August, and I am so very tired of it all. Original thoughts were bronchitis and pneumonia, but it’s not getting better or showing up on x-rays like it should. So far we have ruled out the regular respiratory infections and giant cell tumor (recurrence of the tumor I had previously has a tendency to metastasize in the lungs, so we had to rule that out). I have taken all the medications and used all the oils. It’s manageable to the point that I can function each day, but breathing gets hard sometimes.

I’m not sharing all of this to start a pity party. I know there are several people around me who think I have fallen off the face of the earth. Even worse, some think I’ve been ignoring themĀ or don’t value our friendship anymore. Please hear this – It eats at my soul when I am unable to take care of others or reach out to the people in my world. I want to know what is going on with everyone. I want to laugh at the funny things your kids do, I want to cry with you when you hurt, and I want to help in whatever small way I can. I want to get together and share life over coffee. I miss you.

But I’m so very tired right now. And it has been pointed out to me (multiple times) recently that I cannot help others until I have taken care of myself. This is not a fact I accept easily, but I am being forced to give in. I might’ve ignored this a few times in recent weeks… it did not go well for me in the following days. Yes, I have also been told that my stubbornness will be my undoing. I’ve got a couple of monkeys who kind of need me to keep breathing on a regular basis, so I guess I need to scale it back a bit.

I am getting tested up one side and down the other this coming Thursday, and then I’ll be meeting with a pulmonary disease specialist. Doesn’t that sound like fun? I know you’re jealous. Prayers are welcomed and appreciated. I’m just ready for answers and solutions at this point.

So there you have it. I love you. I miss you. I hope to return to you in full health soon. Blessings, friends.

Photo: Breathe by Mae Chevrette (CC BY 2.0)